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By John Kachere

Folks Watsapp has taken over the world. People are literally living on this newly discovered application. Pastors would stop in the middle of speaking tongues to attend to a whatsapp message. Marriage chaps would pause in the middle of performing matrimonial duties just to reply to a whatsapp text. Vendors would forget to tell you the price of their merchandise because their eyes are glued to their phone.

It is for this reason that yours truly decided to invest all his money into this technology. You see for far too long my most prized possession has been a certain Motorola handset that by now cannot even be accepted into my museum. All the letters on the keypad disappeared a long time ago and I use sticks to punch in the Numbers and letters. What actually epitomized my determination is what happened on Tuesday when my Landlords daughter refused to give me her number on the premise that she doesn’t text folks that are not on watsapp. Apparently I have been harboring thoughts of getting her number for far too long but each time I try to open my mouth, I would stop dead in my tracks .EVERYTHING ABOUT HER WAS KIM  KARDASHIAN and everything about me was a fisherman from the  shores of the Northern part of lake Malawi. Take a picture of yourself. So determined to have a watsapp phone, I decided to sell all my belongings. The 1985 radio (gift from my father upon been selected to collage) the 5kgs of mgaiwa left in the bucket, my shoes that now could transmit radio frequencies due to numerous wires meant to patch them and my G-Unit pair of short that had taken the fashion industry by storm some ten years ago.

I counted my fortune and it totaled k3500. I sighed, then another idea kicked in to use the money meant for monthly rentals. So I took the k7000 that I had neatly kept under the mat and headed for the famous Blantyre market.

My heart pumped blood thrice as fast. I felt the money in my pocket. Finally I was going to put all the insults to rest. I would have my whatsapp phone. The getaway to chatting with women. I smiled with a high degree of mischief at that thought. I quickly entered the phone section of the market. So many phones I did not know where to start from looking.

Two hours letter I was still moving from this bench to that. I couldn’t find a phone worth k10500 that had watsapp. I cursed my ancestors for putting me in such agonizing poverty. Just as I was in a spree of distributing obscenities of every size to my ancestors for laziness and not hard working enough, a short but athletic man approached me. He greeted me me as though we have exchanged a bottle of bitter liquids at some point. I searched my memory to no avail. I didn’t know this man. Nonetheless he continued talking.

“Ayise Ukufuna phone? Nditha kukupezera ya dhilu yabhoo. Ili ndi whatsapp   ya zonse momo.” I looked up the skies. The Almighty is indeed the God of all People. I could hardly believe my luck. I told him how much I had and he took the money and told me to wait at the entrance of the market as he did not want to upset the person he was making deals with by bringing in the stranger. I cared less after all the phone would come.

Four hours later, only darkness came and the phone never came. I searched every nook and cranny of the market. My eyes could not see the short man. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. My money was gone and with it all the prospects of owning a whatsapp phone. Then I remembered my land lord his rent was due in a few days’ time. The world became tiny. Yours truly became dizzy. The love for whatsapp betrayed me. TOMORROW IS SLAIN